Hello Capital One, is Brooke Simmons there? No? I'll ask again, is Brooke Simmons there? No? That's funny, I know you just told me she is not available at that number, Capital One, but I feel compelled to keep asking you. Oh yeah, that's right, this is what the people at Capital One Master Card have been doing to me for almost two years now Capital One. I have told you, Capital One Master Card, time and time again, that this is MY cell phone number and I don't know a Brooke Simmons or a Brooke Simons. I've even told you that if I ever did meet Brooke Simmons (or is it Simons, make up your mind!) I would go so far as to tie her to a chair and get you on speaker-phone so you could finally talk to her about how much she still owes you (though I really don't think I could follow through with that, Capital One, I'm just not the torturing type.) I've told you these things again and again, and yet you keep calling me, Capital One Master Card. You keep calling me and asking me if you can speak to her.
Did you know you paid one person to call me three times one day? Did you know you also paid a Capital One manager for 30 minutes of discussion on how Brooke Simmons hasn't had this number for over a year? It's a funny thing, Captial One Master Card, I really am starting to wonder if you haven't spent more money calling me over the past couple of years than you can ever hope to collect from Brooke Simons. I'm pretty sure you're low on her list of debts to pay off, and she seems pretty good at avoiding your Capital One bloodhounds. Don't get me wrong, I've never met her, Capital One Master Card, and I likely never will. I'm just basing that on my long experience with talking to companies she hasn't paid back.
I want you to know, Capital One, that based on my experience with your company I could not possibly consider doing business with you. I did find it funny when Lisa ironically quipped "thank you for choosing Capital One" before handing me to her manager today. Yep, just today. That's right. Little more than two weeks after I took the time to call your Capital One Corporate Office at 1-703-720-1000 on March 9th to complain about the number of Capital One phone calls I've been getting for Brooke Simons, in spite of the fact that I was assured that I wouldn't receive any more phone calls from Capital One representatives looking for Brooke Simons, you are still calling me, still asking me if you can speak with her. I have heard the song and dance about "it can take up to 24 hours to remove the phone number from our system" enough times. I have also heard the recanting of that statement, and the alternative that it can take up to 72 hours enough times, Capital One.
So let's make a deal, Capital One. I am at the beginning of an SEO campaign to make people aware of just how determined you are to keep asking me if you can speak to Brooke Simons. This can be a very long SEO campaign, and I might even start a bidding war with you on pay-per-click traffic with the big 3, or it can be a very short campaign. It's up to you. Each time I get another call from Capital One, I will put as much time as I can deem reasonable into making this story known.